Fantasy is not my destiny.

Can't believe its almost 2 years ago since my last post and, as usual, I wanted to write because I feel the need to be heard. Through writing my thoughts I can actually listen to myself, wondering what went wrong. It would be hilarious to see this entry in a couple of months. Oh silly me.

For the last couple of months, I've been having a break from the hustles and bustles of the university life. And thus the search for personal happiness, as in "significant other", begun. Some say I'm an expressive kinda guy, and that might be true. I hope I'm not. I am simply trying to let others understand my somewhat complicated line of thinking. But the unfortunate thing is, society can't actually handle the idea of vulnerability. On the other hand, I see vulnerability as a beauty, almost like a piece of art. 

Most people segregate themselves intentionally with the intention to keep people wondering. In my case, and might be my biggest weakness is, I am too vulnerable. I always keep my heads up when telling others to love themselves, then when it comes to the real me dealing with the same issues I can barely breathe, let alone think straight.

So let us jump to the main intention of writing this entry. I am confused, never been this confused in so long. The dilemma of being the "right" one for others, or the "right" one for myself. "Love yourself more than you love anyone else" is one of the phrases I usually use when it comes to telling my friends who got blinded by "love". Then again, I need someone to actually say it to my goddamn face. 

Do you know what I miss in a relationship? Not kisses, nor hugs. I miss having someone that is there for me. Not necessarily doing anything. Just, be, there, for, me. It might sound selfish, maybe I am. But for I know, I am trying to be there for the one that I care about. If you read carefully, I use the word "trying". Because "trying" is what winners do. And now the question, "should I keep trying?", "Is it worth trying or fighting for?", "Is the other part of this story also trying". It raises thousands of questions. Just wait, it gets more complicated than that. 

The word "love" which, some of the time, being mistaken by "the urge to have", is a very strong verb. Again, if you are careful, I categorized "love" in a verb class, not a noun, Because love is simply shown by one's action, not just mere words. Thus, trying to relate it back, I miss having someone to love. Someone who could remind me that I'm still cared for.

Yeah whatever, this is so melancholy. Still better than talking to a bunch of friends who might actually, have their own problems #amirite. So no thanks, this isn't their problem, not even a "problem". Simply a tale to remember. 

It is so goddamn unfortunate when the feeling, not necessarily "love", isn't mutual. Because then it becomes the game of "chasing affection" and that is a great mistake. 

and let this night be the witness of my pure intention to simply let the one I chose to care about be blithe. Let her away, because sometimes what's needed is distance. 

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH. Damn.

Cukup ya guys. Saya lelah, Matanya maksudnya.. Catchya!